Published: 04/07/2011 05:00 - Updated: 30/06/2011 10:25

Ten great one liners to tell your friends

WHEN you’re with new friends on a night out, it helps if you have some jokes in the bag to help break the ice.

Similarly, when you’re enjoying a swift pint with some old chums, it always goes down a treat if you have some good one-liners worthy of some of the UK’s best comedy clubs. That’s why we’ve compiled this fun rundown of our top ten one-liners! You’ll never have to endure an unwanted awkward silence again.

While you may not hear some of the country’s best comedians coming out with these tried and tested one-liners during the height of their success, they’ve undoubtedly used them during their rise to the top of the comedy club circuit. After all, everyone has to start somewhere.

One-liners are short, which means they’re usually pretty easy to remember; ideal for when you’ve had a few beers and want to impress the ladies or gents! Comedians tend to reel off gag after gag in an almost effortless fashion, but can you do the same? Here are our favourite one-liners, so get a pen and paper ready and note them down in time for the next night out.

1. Comedian Tim Vine was heard dropping this belter on the crowd at last year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival: "I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again." One-liners like this are arguably the best; they’re not offensive to anyone and always get a laugh.

2. Footy jokes like a recent one-liner from John Bishop are hit and miss. You’ll usually offend someone, especially if said joke is directed at their beloved team. This one from Liverpool comic John Bishop, though, should always inspire a laugh: "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

3. Comedy that pokes fun at regional accents and dialect always goes down a treat, particularly when you’re on a night out with friends from up and down the country. This one-liner is a classic example of a regional joke: "Why are Irish jokes so simple? So the English can understand them." London comedy clubs are great places to enjoy a night out with a bunch of mates. You’ll be treated to performances from top class comics, but keep your head down if you’re from the north.

4. "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder" is a good, clean one-liner that should see a smile from even the most reserved of friends.

5. Social networking site Twitter has a page dedicated purely to the best one-liners. It took us a while to choose our favourite, but in the end we plumped for this little comic gem: "Dear punctuation, of course we still use you! How do you think we do this ;)? Sincerely, teenagers."

6. While there is a wealth of sites online offering ‘The Very Best One-Liners’ or ‘The Top 20 Jokes Ever’, a few tend to crop up on page after page. One-liners that take satisfaction in other peoples’ misery (in a jokey way, obviously), are often a big hit; like this one, for example: "Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."

7. Jokes about new technology seem to be a close second, such as this one: "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

8. Another one that takes delight in others’ misery: "Laugh at your problems, everybody else does."

9. Money is another subject that features heavily on Internet one-liner sites: "Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."

10. Finally, one for those who like to let their hair down: "I always take life with a pinch of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila."

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